raison d’etre

“But the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes!” cried a small voice in the crowd.
“Hush! Don’t say that!” a man scolded.
“Can’t you see that he is? You are just too stupid and strong-headed to see!” another harsh voice stated.
“But he really isn’t wearing any clothes!” the voice continued to insist.
“Maybe he isn’t, but you can’t say anything! Things like these are not meant to be questioned!” a gentler voice whispered in the child’s ear.
“How can you all stand there cheering when he isn’t wearing any clothes?” wondered the child before falling silent.

The silence has been broken, my uncharacteristic silence has been replaced by the vocal-ness that has been gone for too long. I am not one for sugarcoating my questions, so bring it on.

[edited 11-01 5:46am]

In the words of a favourite cartoon  character with his can of spinach, “That’s all I can stands, coz I can’t stands no more!”

Sometimes I think that we get so caught up with issues around us, with passing judgement on those with supposed ’spiritual decay’, that we lose the woods for the trees. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t feel as much righteous anger as I think I should feel. I tend to get affected by things that concern me and my life. I vowed to pray more for the world this year. So, Father open my eyes and, in the words of Bob Pierce who founded World Vision, “Dear Lord, let me be broken by the things that break the heart of God.”

You’ve got a friend

I know I’m supposed to be touched by what Xin has said, and she’s said many a flattering word to and about me. I am touched, really and perhaps a tad flattered. But because I fear the increase of the size of my ego, I end up questioning my motives. I always wonder if I would be such a friend if that friendship and affection (completely platonic affection) was not reciprocated. Probably not is my answer. So then, the question as to my motives for helping others begs to be answered. Do I do it simply because I feel rewarded at the end of it; is it truly as I had once argued that selflessness is the highest form of selfishness? I search within myself but find no conclusive or really satisfying answers. I know that I act to fulfill the obligation that I have as a friend and to me, being a friend means being there for someone when they need it. But that’s not the only reason although it is an important one, I simply want to be a good friend. I can’t explain any more than that.

For the longest time, I’ve never had many close or good friends. As with most of us, in primary school, my friendships were all rather changeable and fleeting. It was a time when I was searching for a bunch of friends that I could always be part of and never be left out. You know when you have group work and the teacher says, “Okay, get into groups of X”. I never wanted to be the one who was left out of that group because the numbers were too big. I always wanted to have that feeling of security, knowing that I have a friend who looks at me when the teacher asks us to look for a partner and mouths, “I partner you, ah?” (Ah, we had such bad grammar.) Arguably, I am still looking for that feeling of security, but less so since I’ve grown up, or so I’d like to think. My search carried on through Sec One which was the worse year of my time in Secondary School where I learnt the painful politics of cliques and factions, and yet, a few good friends were already there in my face, I just never took the time to get to know them.

Sec Two marked the beginning of friendships that would blossom and strengthen over the years. Although admittedly, we have drifted apart since we split into different classes and finally in different schools. Sec Three and Four continued to be times when I depended heavily on my friends and the security that they gave. The friends that I made in Secondary school are many that I cannot do without. I try to sustain a few of my friendships, like with Li En, Dorcas, Laura, Janani and Faith, but it’s hard when we are all so busy.

Last year was a time that I started to have really good friends. The start was hard, without any of my friends around me in a completely new atmosphere. It was a time when I looked at the cliques; the MGS clique, the SCGS clique, the ruggers’ clique, the 4.16 clique and the GEP clique, and yearned earnestly for a group to truly belong to, to have that feeling of security that I always took for granted. The first treasured friendship that I cultivated was with David, who’s always been the k in my life. Haven helped me cultivate close friendships with people like Van, Ashvin, Feli, Josh, Milton, Miss Luah, Moonie and Xin (later on). As the year progressed and the promos came ever closer, studying together with classmates like Reuben and Ben served to help us bond like “clotting blood”, as I wrote in a poem about IB once. Then of course, some of my strongest and dearest friendships from those in the ACoffeeShop/library gang, people like Mr Tan, Mr Chew, Xin Hui, Van and Karan. Going into IB was a blessing in the sense that I was forced to know Sze Min as more than just ‘the girl to beat for lit’ and YY as ‘the loud girl who I had been in the same class with for 4 years with a kinky sense of humour’. And of course, the friends from church, one who is one of my dearest friends makes me wonder what my year would have been like without him; both positive and negative. :) And over these holidays, there has been a tightening of friendships, with people like Dil and Cheryl who I have finally gotten to know much better.

This year, I look forward to another year marking the journey of our friendships. Please know that I’m always there even though I may not always seem like I am, and for that I apologise. And I reiterate what I said to you. If I can’t always be the best friend that I would like to be or know I should be, I’m sorry. And yet, I will not try to do so in my own strength but in the strength of the One who laid down His life for His friends. I thank you for your friendships, but I cannot express my gratitude fully.