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Following on with my last post, I still have no answers. I’ve been praying about it and yet there seems no light bulb that magically turns on or a beatific smile that manages to creep across my face. No, no enlightenment or epiphany.
It continues to nag in my mind. Every time I go to watch a movie, buy a bar of chocolate, buy some books… There’s a question, “Is this how you glorify God?”
Some have argued that God doesn’t want us to be puritanical (Well, not in the sense of ruling out all forms of enjoyment). They say that he does want us to enjoy ourselves, just within our means, for that is good stewardship. But then, the voice still nags, “But is that really good stewardship?”
That’s why, it seems most logical and fool-proof (and actually easier than spending your entire life worrying if you are spending your money well) to renounce all things and follow Christ. He definitely knew what He was talking about when He said that it is easier for a camel to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.
When Mr. Tan wrote that I would be going against the materialistic mentality in Singapore by going into NGO work, I don’t think he expected me to take it to such an extreme.
You know, I’ve had people ask me why I’m even bothering to go to university if I really am so riled up about using money for such a means? I mean, then I should just go straight into NGO work. I don’t quite have an answer for that, except that I believe that having a degree would be greater help than not having one, I just don’t want to spend more than necessary.
In YG, we’ve been studying James and how our faith is to be a living one, one that is shown through works. I know, we should show love to all those around us and everything. But I wonder if it’s more than that. It seems very empty for us Christians to be sitting around in our air con chapels, praising God and asking that He use us for His purposes. It all seems rather empty. I know, I, too, am sitting here in front of a computer while others in neighbouring countries are starving.
But then a question (and I don’t know whether it’s a right thing to be asking) bugs me, “What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to drop everything? Become a pauper, drop all my dreams and ambitions to go and serve the hungry in Africa?”
And a small voice whispers in my head, “Yes.“
I was rather amused yesterday when I entered the land of the sailor uniforms. I couldn’t quite get used to their “Thank you, Miss Tan. God bless you, Miss Tan. See you next time, Miss Tan.” A rather long-winded version of St. Marg’s “Thank you and God bless you, Miss Tan”. But why was I amused? I taught PE and Chinese yesterday. HAHA. I realised that I can read and speak relatively okay Chinese, but am hopeless with writing it. The evidence is as follows:
Some super cute P2 girl: “Lao shi, ze mo xie bi zi (nose)?”
Me: Errrr… I don’t know.
Girl: But you’re the Chinese teacher!
Me: But I’m not a Chinese teacher!
Watched Pride and Prejudice yesterday. I might as well say it (even though I may be biased) but Frances saved the show. There were like 10 dances in it which I started falling asleep in after a day of running after little girls. And it’s “Dar-be-sher”, not “Der-be-sher”.
———
I know that it’s probably irrational, but some of my friendships in AC seem very conditional (Conditional in the sense that they were simply there because of circumstances, like being in the same class etc.). Now that we’re apart, I don’t say that I miss them and they don’t say that they miss me. It’s as if we almost didn’t exist in each other’s lives. We meet up simply because we’re part of a group and it seems obligatory to organise some kind of meeting now that we’re out of the system.
I just want university to start. And I hope that Laura gets into USP (and I do too). I want to sit in lectures with Moonie. Heh. Most of all, I want to say goodbye and get it over with…
I hate how you tear us down, how you bring tears to their eyes. I don’t know if I can say that I’ll miss you when you go. And you know what? That saddens me.
I have started a new blog for my ramblings on things happening around the world and in Singapore. Do read and give your comments, they’d be much appreciated. :)
On an unrelated note, the USP interview went pretty okay. Spoke about things close to my heart, like the possibility of democracy in Singapore, debate and NGOs. We’ll see how well it went in a couple of weeks.
Thank God for Clementi Camp. :)
I hate hypocrisy… I hate the way you treat her and the way you put on a front for others.
“So why do you want to marry me?”
“I want to marry you because you’re the first person I want to see when I wake up and the last person I want to kiss before I go to bed each night. And when I saw these hands, I knew that I wanted to hold these hands for the rest of my life. I want to marry you because when you love someone as much as I love you that is the only thing you can do. So will you ummm… marry me?”
Sometimes my faith in the institution gets shaken, and sometimes the romance of it all just makes me smile.
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Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I’ve watched a number of movies which centre around love. I watched The Bucket List about love between friends, Definitely, Maybe which is obviously about romantic love and today, The Other Boleyn Girl about love between siblings.
And yet, I know that all this is but a poor reflection of the reality that all men ought to know. Now we merely understand such love in part, but one day, we shall know fully.
This week has been long, tiring and absolutely crazy.
In a sad way, it’s going to slow down from here, because debate is over. I always feel sad when a run is over, and it was a run that held a lot of potential, just not enough I suppose.
It was a run that resulted in a great amount of nostalgia. There were great onslaughts of memories when one was just content to sit back and play them over again. Then there’d be the small, fleeting remembrance of something funny and I’d just sit with a small smile playing over my face.
But we’re talking about the present team, and not teams of times gone by. It’s amazing how frustrated I managed to get with them. But then, there’d be the hours on Thursday nights, going through speeches. Times when I’d get speechless about their lack of knowledge and sweeping statements which I was told were designed to shock. But most of all, the conversations and laughs we shared.
During this time, I realised how much I want to coach. But more than that, how much I miss the floor.
Maybe being a debater means that I get more frustrated than others when I am misunderstood, when people don’t understand my motives and feelings. There was once when others thought that I was serving on the chapel worship team because David was playing the drums.
I don’t know, but does it seem like I am as selfish as to want to save my own skin? At the expense of those I love?
Maybe I’m wrong to be so immature, maybe I’m just overreacting.
I’m very tired again.
The cycle has started all over again.
It must be me.
A string
Only takes as much
As it can hold.
Use it
and hold it,
Regardless of how much
strain
it can take.
But you
Don’t know how much
Tension it was
under
till it
Breaks.
And still, you won’t know what hit you.
It shows in my eyes. I’m fraying…
I can’t explain it… Can’t explain how I feel.
Everyone (or so it seems) will be going away in July or August. I’m expecting to visit the airport at least 3 times. In case you didn’t know, I hate goodbyes. No, that’s wrong, I detest goodbyes with every fibre of my being. I never know what to do, I try to smile because I know that they’re going to have a great time, and yet, I want to cry, ‘cos I’m gonna miss them, but I can’t cry because I try to never ever cry in public (Wow, that was a long sentence).
I hate goodbyes because the realist keeps telling me that it’s probably a goodbye to the friendship that we have now. We’ll probably still keep in touch, but we’ll be so apart, living such different lives that surely our friendship will not remain as it is now.
A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me, “Aren’t you going to be missing out on this wonderful overseas education that you surely can’t get in NUS?”
“Weren’t you looking forward to SOAS?”
“You’ll never know what you missed…”
Sze and I decided the other day that we want to stay at home. That it was only coming to AC that made us think that an overseas education was much better. When we were in SMSS, it never really made such a big deal, and our other JC friends don’t seem that bothered about going to “such and such a school is goodness knows where”.
I just wish that the voice would go away. I wish that I would believe more strongly in what Weej said the other night, “NUS has a lot of things to do too”. I know, I’ve been hyped up about debate, USP, VCF and the works. But I wonder whether I’m doing all these things to try and escape the fact that I would have been in another university.
It’s tiring, this issue of having to stick by your guns when everyone else seems to be having a better time.
It’s hard just trying to be principled when everyone else is leaving and you just wish that it was you waving goodbye at the airport, instead of being the one who stands on the other side of the glass, straining to catch a last glimpse of a friend.
But you know what? It’s absolutely exhausting to be battling uncertainties and fears. Most of all, the uncertainty that you’re letting God down by not trusting in His will, His good and perfect will.
Over these past few days I’ve learnt of friends who are going to various US universities. University occupies all our conversation. I’ve been beset with doubt about my decision. I’ve been unsure, uncertain about whether I’m doing the right thing. Many see me as resolved, some call me noble, some naive. But what they don’t see is my lack of faith. My hidden fear.
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I’m in
On to the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, “Boy, You’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”
I’ve been reading The Message of the Living God. It’s gone through Genesis and I’ve come away humbled. I’ve come away in awe of God’s love for us. He created us in his image, giving us the honour of being made in his likeness. He made us knowing that we’d sin, knowing that it’d take part of himself to redeem us from the sin that we’ve gotten ourselves into because we’ve renounced our relationship with our Creator. And I’ve come away, realising that we are made by him, and to be apart will mean that we strive for the fulfillment that we can never have through anything apart from Him. We only find our completeness in Him, seeking completeness in relationships, acheivements, recognition and so on will leave us still empty.
The sun and moon and every star
Are there to show me who You are
I can be sure your fingerprints
Are everywhere
My every move, my every breath
Were meant to point to your greatness
There’s nothing made that was not made
To show Your power
CHORUS
These hands were made to praise You
These lips were made to lift You up
I give to You my life in worship
These feet were made to serve You
This tongue, to sing of Your great love
I give to You my life in worship
A tender thought, a caring deed
A gift of love to one in need
Bringing honest acts of worship to You, Lord
Bridge
Lifting holy hands in worship to You, Lord
God, receive this humble sacrifice of praise
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