Going…

I can’t explain it… Can’t explain how I feel.

Everyone (or so it seems) will be going away in July or August. I’m expecting to visit the airport at least 3 times. In case you didn’t know, I hate goodbyes. No, that’s wrong, I detest goodbyes with every fibre of my being. I never know what to do, I try to smile because I know that they’re going to have a great time, and yet, I want to cry, ‘cos I’m gonna miss them, but I can’t cry because I try to never ever cry in public (Wow, that was a long sentence).

I hate goodbyes because the realist keeps telling me that it’s probably a goodbye to the friendship that we have now. We’ll probably still keep in touch, but we’ll be so apart, living such different lives that surely our friendship will not remain as it is now.

A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me, “Aren’t you going to be missing out on this wonderful overseas education that you surely can’t get in NUS?”
“Weren’t you looking forward to SOAS?”
“You’ll never know what you missed…”

Sze and I decided the other day that we want to stay at home. That it was only coming to AC that made us think that an overseas education was much better. When we were in SMSS, it never really made such a big deal, and our other JC friends don’t seem that bothered about going to “such and such a school is goodness knows where”.

I just wish that the voice would go away. I wish that I would believe more strongly in what Weej said the other night, “NUS has a lot of things to do too”. I know, I’ve been hyped up about debate, USP, VCF and the works. But I wonder whether I’m doing all these things to try and escape the fact that I would have been in another university.

It’s tiring, this issue of having to stick by your guns when everyone else seems to be having a better time.
It’s hard just trying to be principled when everyone else is leaving and you just wish that it was you waving goodbye at the airport, instead of being the one who stands on the other side of the glass, straining to catch a last glimpse of a friend. 
But you know what? It’s absolutely exhausting to be battling uncertainties and fears. Most of all, the uncertainty that you’re letting God down by not trusting in His will, His good and perfect will.