Today I sat back while writing my essay and wondered yet again. My kids did badly in the tournament. I’ve told them that the results don’t matter and that it’s a learning process. And yet, I wonder if the results do matter and whether I’ve actually done my best in helping them in the learning process.

I didn’t see them fall in love with debating as I did and maybe in that respect, I’ve failed as a coach. I’ve failed to impart in them a love that I myself have, much like a teacher who wishes that he managed to teach in such a way that made his students fall in love with the subject.

I love coaching but I can’t cope. I can’t cope with the time, the energy, but most of all the part of me that I invest in coaching. Everytime I do something that I love, whether it be writing, debating, coaching or simply loving, I invest part of myself in it. I don’t feel any smaller or less for doing so. In fact, I realise that the returns are so great. I love coaching but I’m just getting tired.

I find even more satisfaction when I can teach one of my kids to deliver an argument well, when I hear a well  rebutted point or a brilliant response to a POI, perhaps even more than if I were to deliver it myself. I don’t think that I’m living vicariously through my kids (as creepy as that sounds), I just desperately want them to do well. I want them to believe in themselves, after so long of being told that they can’t make it. I want them to believe that they are better than their previous coaches told them.

But at the end of this run, it just feels like I got nowhere. I’m told that I’m a good coach, but what is a good coach if there is no results to show for it or even the feeling that your kids now love debating?

Nothing I guess.