Category Archive

“You see more than you hear.”

You talk more than you think…

You hurt more than you care…

I’m so, so tired of all this.

Most have been understanding…

And yet, some who I admire and whose approval I desire, do not understand. They tell me that I’m naive, daft, too idealistic and the works, to throw away an opportunity to study at a good university in the UK. They tell me that I should not throw my life away, striving to work in an NGO. “Why work for something that is ineffective?” they ask…

I’m just tired of having to justify myself before men. If God’s will is for me to go and do all these things, why can’t He come down and talk to all these people for me?

Many people think that I am a very stable person, when sometimes I am pushed beyond stable point to utterly unstable and I do rash, impulsive things.

Underneath this calm, stable state, lies a person with a fierce and intense temper. Over these past two years, I’ve been praying that my temper would be controlled. I used to blow up at people, bear grudges etc. But now, beneath this exterior is a bubbling and seething interior that is just a time bomb waiting to explode.

I scare myself.

And no one can replace my best friend, for my best friend is one who loves me no matter what. And I just want him now. Please… I’ve tried praying but nothing seems to help.

I shouldn’t care, should I? But I do. I just want to be left alone to myself. This time, I want to stop caring.

Well, my bill has gone through the roof so I won’t be using my phone for quite a while. You can message me and I’ll try and contact you by calling or something, or you could call me because I have free incoming. Otherwise, if it’s not that urgent, just email me. But I won’t be replying to SMSes unless it’s absolutely urgent.

Thanks.

I hate Murphy’s Law.

And I’m tired of worrying about people if they don’t care about others. I was just trying to help and be a concerned friend (which I was) and I am told that I don’t understand and well, I never will. So go and wallow in it yourself and see where that gets you. I’M SO SICK OF PEOPLE BEING IMMATURE AND JUVENILE. Bah.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas. And I was actually going to write a happy entry about my walk to school today and seeing the monkey and all. Instead I got to church and got a message that should have made me happy, but just angered me instead. BAH.

KEEP AWAY UNLESS YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN MAKE THINGS BETTER.

I miss you. Why can’t you be here when I need you? It’s not your fault, I know and there’s nothing you can do. I’m sorry for just making you feel bad. 10 more long days…

Thank you, Ian, for your response.

No, I do not claim to be intellectual, and never did; not intellectual nor as or more intellectual than you. And I was not saying that he is more intellectual than you or Mich (please note that). All I said was “what is wrong with someone being more intelligent than you?” That point done. By the way, what I say in Ferd’s class and the arguments I put forth are simply my opinions. I never asked to impose them on you nor said that you had to listen either.

Next, regarding this “making out in class, the hand-holding, the close-to-sexual-intercourse experience”, no, I haven’t seen it. I’ll admit it. I have not seen it. But have you?

I have no issues whatsoever with you responding to me. I expected you to.

We used to be pretty close friends sometime last year, in case you don’t remember, Ian. And well, I’m not sure if you ever knew me, but I do stand up for my friends. I dislike it when I see them accused of things they are not guilty of.

Now if you please, you may continue this feud in a more civilised fashion.

Today, the 6.14-ians realised how singers feel when their work is pirated.

And I was ready to castrate the chap, or maybe just take him off his testosterone supplements.

But honestly, we live in a meritocratic, NOT a communist one, for goodness sake. Work for what you want.

Is it so hard to prioritise? Or are your priorities only you, yourself and you? Why take on responsibilities only to shirk them?

You must think that everyone is at your beck and call.

Well, fortunately, we’re not, so grow up.

Note: This is not referring to someone in particular, but a group.

Unity in the church. Unity in the church. Unity in the church. Unity in the church. Unity in the church. Tell the truth in love. Tell the truth in love. Tell the truth in love. Tell the truth in love. Tell the truth in love.

But tell me, how do you tell someone that they’ve been irresponsible nicely? How do you tell them that you’d appreciate it if they could take their responsibilities more seriously?

Those filling in for you have exactly the same issues with work and all. After all, we are the same age, if not older with IB and all.

Go away, I bite. And I bite hard.

Brilliant. I just lost days of work for my Maths notes. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

“Something isn’t right with your life. Sort it out!”

Thanks a lot man. I love the encouragement and care. This is the second time and I still don’t feel particularly inclined to figure out what’s ‘wrong’ with me. BAH.

Go away. I bite.

“Yes, the Managing Director. Let me tell the Member for Farrer Park the kind of gentlemen we deal with. The Managing Director happens to be distantly connected with me through marriage. He told me once, when I was leading a delegation of postmen in a dispute with the Government then, that he always got his way. He was then a Member of the Executive Council, and he told me - I was then a very much younger man - that I should listen to him and settle. He said, ‘You know, II always win. When I was a young chap, I kept fighting fish, and my fighting fish beat everybody’s fighting fish. They asked, ‘How did you do that?’ I said, ‘Simple.’ And I said this publicly too - I think he is not feeling very well at the moment and he will not be feeling very well after he reads this. To his fighting fish every day, he added a drop of brandy. So the fish got soaked up with it. After seven drops of brandy had gone in, any other fish that entered into its bowl was out. And if it went into the other bowl, he poured half the water from his bowl into the other.”

Ooohhh… Ouch. You want Politics101? You got it. Brilliant manoeuvre. I say no more.

The man who was being referred to said, “If you are in the right, you have no need to be angry. If you are in the wrong, you have no right to be angry.” Hear Hear!

No wonder why some people find me intimidating and don’t like me. I should stop trying to force my ideas, ideals and opinions down people’s throats. I may believe that certain things should be done a certain way, but it doesn’t mean that I am any more right than they are, in fact, sometimes I know that I am terribly wrong. I need to shut my mouth and listen, instead of interjecting and providing my advice and such. Stupid Becca.

I’m sorry.

I hate dressing up for dinners. I would have thought I’d be used to such things after years and years and practice. But no… Oh how I hate dressing up. BAH.

Yesterday I found out that my mum has macular degeneration. At first it seemed awfully unfair for her to get it, after all she’s gone through. And to be honest, it scared and still does scare me that perhaps she might lose her sight. At times like these, I end up wondering why on earth it has to be her, her out of the billions. Yes, I do feel bitter at these times; bitter when I remember the times that scared and still scare me so, and now the prospect that terrifies me. And yet, Mummy seemed least affected about the news, she was sitting in the dim light (because it is too hard for her to see in bright light) and reading up about it. It was Daddy and I who were upset about it. If you ask me ‘why’, I would have no answer. I asked Mummy why she didn’t seem so bothered about it and she replied, “This is merely a worsening of a current situation. I’ve already can’t see in my right eye, so perhaps I’ve been prepared for it.”

And you wonder why I feel that it’s laughable when people start praying about their grades? Or stressing out? It’s all well and good to be concerned, and God doesn’t treat you any less lightly than those who are dying. I too am guilty of being short-sighted. But we always forget that we are truly so blessed. We have so much. And there are always people who are worse off than us. Never forget this when you complain and maybe you’ll stop complaining.

I need strength to carry on for the rest of the week. I haven’t done my work and right now it doesn’t seem like I can.
Forgive me, Lord.

25 “To whom will you compare me?
  Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.

26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
  Who created all these?
  He who brings out the starry host one by one,
  and calls them each by name.
  Because of his great power and mighty strength,
  not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
  and complain, O Israel,
  “My way is hidden from the LORD;
  my cause is disregarded by my God”?

28 Do you not know?
  Have you not heard?
  The LORD is the everlasting God,
  the Creator of the ends of the earth.
  He will not grow tired or weary,
  and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
  and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
  and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
  will renew their strength.
  They will soar on wings like eagles;
  they will run and not grow weary,
  they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:25-31

I don’t really care about marble eagles anymore. Put them up if you want or tear them down on your blogs. It’s meaningless anyway.
Father, forgive me when I ask why you disregard me. Help me realise that you are bigger than any circumstance that I’m in, and please give me strength.

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
  neither are your ways my ways,”
  declares the LORD.

9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
  so are my ways higher than your ways
  and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isaiah 55:8-9

Funnily enough, I had read this out during last week’s prayer meeting.
Dear God, I cannot comprehend your ways and forgive me when I demand an explanation. I know that you care for me, more than anyone else can or will.

And so,
 2 “I know that you can do all things;
  no plan of yours can be thwarted.

3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’
  Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
  things too wonderful for me to know.

4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
  I will question you,
  and you shall answer me.’

5 My ears had heard of you
  but now my eyes have seen you.

6 Therefore I despise myself
  and repent in dust and ashes.”
-Job 42:2-6

Now I think about the past week and months, I am struck by how I’ve been so concerned about ephemeral and self-centred things, about my feelings, my hurt, problems and pain that now seems oh so meaningless. Who cares if I have no answers or am left wondering? In times like these, I am told to move on; to let go, and finally let The Physician finish the job that I have been unable to allow Him to work on.

And I thought that everything was back to normal… Today I realised that it isn’t, at least on my side.

Watchman, if you feel powerless, then how on earth do you think I feel? At least you have the benefit of being the mediator.

Never again will I let my tongue loose again, never ever again.

A friend called me ‘asexual’ in secondary school. I defended my apparent lack of interest and now I wish that I had guarded it more jealously, much much more.

Someone told me once in MacDonald’s, “Knowledge can be used to implicate”. When you possess and give knowledge, you open yourself up to the risk of being implicated. You have the power of knowing, and to use a quote out of context, “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely”, it corrupts everything, and not just people, my friend.

If I have learnt one thing this past week, it’s that ignorance is bliss. And when faced with uncertainty, lie. BINGO.

And so I say again,
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
I loved this past week, yet hated it at the same time and for the exact same reason.